


Dinner

by AnankeNox



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Essays, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Real Events, Light Angst, POV First Person, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Unreliable Narrator, of sorts i guess lol, sorry i'm not good at tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25171144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnankeNox/pseuds/AnankeNox
Summary: this is a relatively factual account about my feelings about food and eating.If you strugged with eating disorders or related issues, I would take care if you decide to read this.
Kudos: 7





	Dinner

**Author's Note:**

> I am not diagnosed with an eating disorder, so please bare that in mind. I am not trying to say I have one, and if you feel you are struggling you should always talk to a professional if you are able to. 
> 
> Obviously, since this is technically just me writing about an aspect of my life, names of people have been changed, and I have made it slightly more dramatic because, you know, it's a story.

I've never had a... healthy relationship with food. For as long as I can remember, I've been a picky eater. Disregarding food because it was the wrong texture, the wrong taste, the wrong colour. My parents tried to make me more open to trying different foods, of course, we'd play games at the dinner table to try to make eating fun, or they'd set goals like "if you finish your plate every day for three month we'll buy you a Wii in time for Christmas". It never truly worked. They'd already bought the Wii so I got it regardless of how many vegetables I ate, and I eventually learnt that if I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and waited until my food went cold, they wouldn't make me eat it.  
Now, I know being a picky eater is pretty common in young children, but for me it stuck. It's not like I was like "other" picky eaters who wouldn't eat fruit and veg. I outright refused to eat anything green, specific textures make me feel ill, breakfast foods were out of the question, I would only drink semi-skimmed milk and Diet Coke - even water wasn't good enough. 

Due to my aversion to typical breakfast foods like cereal and toast, it simply made sense for me to skip breakfast entirely, after all, it's not like I would eat it anyway. I started skipping breakfast in primary school, my parents didn't mind as they thought I would eat at school, but even if my mum gave me a carefully made packed lunch to eat, I wouldn't finish them. Sure, I'd maybe drink the milk my mum packed, or the biscuit my dad sneaked in, but the sandwiches or apples - anything of substance, really - were left uneaten. As I graduated from pre-made meals to school lunches, it got worse. I only had the choice of one of three meals, and 90% of the time all of them made me gag. There were slices of orange in the chocolate brownies, the macaroni cheese had a texture which made me want to wash my mouth out with soap, and the _bits_ in the lasagne, the burgers, the pizza... well, let's just say it was bad enough that I didn't like those foods to begin with.  
It became normal for me to go through the day with only dinner to fuel me, and honestly, it was enough, I barely feel hungry anymore. I didn't even realise it was seen as "bad" until i was in high school. 

I had become exceedingly aware of just _how much_ people ate in a day, and it worried me. My classmates would eat a whole plate and still have room for dessert. I'd line up for lunch, pick something harmless like a cheese panini, and sit down.. I'd chat with them, take a bite of my panini, laugh with them, another bite, gossip about crushes, and I was full. No one really mentioned anything about it, they'd maybe point out how i'd only eaten a quarter of my lunch, and I'd make some half-assed remark about how school food is gross, and I'd laugh. They'd laugh, because I was right, because they couldn't understand how the taste, the texture, the dryness of bread itself made my stomach churn.  
This went on for two years until we were allowed to go into town for lunch, I went with my best friend, Jane, but this only made me more anxious. The thought of even eating lunch had slowly become off-putting, but that was okay, it was because I didn't like the taste, the texture - not because of anything else. I knew it would seem strange if I didn't eat _anything_ for lunch, so I bought a packet of crisps, or a chocolate bar, just enough for people to not need to worry, sometimes I'd even buy a sausage roll, but i always just happened to accidentally drop them on the ground before I could take a bite. Eventually, without anything needing to be said, Jane became complicit with my feelings towards food, she'd see me buy only a bottle of Diet Coke, or water (i could drink water now), and not do anything about it, only occasionally saying "you getting anything else?" but not pushing it when i simply shrugged and headed to the check-out, bottle in hand. 

When I went into fourth year, it all went wrong. Jane and I had begun to hang out with a group of friends, they were mainly boys but that didn't cause any problems. It was fine, at first. Then, all of a sudden, the self-imposed "leader" of the group, Robert, decided he was going to join us for lunch some days. Now, I'm not going to go into detail about Rob, maybe in the future I'll write about all the shit he's done, but let's just say he was a massive dick. When he'd come with us, I didn't change anything about my eating habits, I had become so used to Jane not doing anything that I assumed that he wouldn't do anything either. I was wrong. It started off pretty normal, he'd comment on my lack of substantial food or ask if I was going to get anything, which I would always just mumble an answer, but eventually he began to "up his game", so to speak.  
One event I remember vividly was when we were walking back from Tesco and Rob brought out a packet of sandwiches which he had bought, and asked if I wanted one, I of course said no, but he insisted, saying I hadn't bought anything to eat, I again refused, stating I didn't like sandwiches (this was mostly true, I could tolerate sandwiches, just not the ones he had bought - it had sweetcorn in it), he called bullshit, and said that I had to eat it, it was for my own good. I started to freak out, I really didn't want to eat it, both because it would completely mess up my carefully planned routine and because the idea of eating something was positively _revolting_. I refused again, but he kept on insisting, it wasn't until I literally ran back to school, into the bathrooms so i could cry in peace, that he stopped. He still brought it up, however, and every time he did my heart raced.  
If you didn't know Rob, you'd think he was just looking out for me, that he had good intentions, even if the execution wasn't great. Maybe that was true initially, but in hindsight of knowing how... problematic he really was, I can't really think of it any other way. Even if he truly did think he meant well, that doesn't stop it from being one of the most terrifying and stressful moments of my life (although I do say that about a lot of things).

Finally I was in my last year of school, and everything was just _fine_. People found out about all the horrible shit Rob had done and he was excluded from the group permanently, which was great, but the tension of getting him kicked out came at the cost of mine and others mental health. The stress of the Rob situation, mix with the normal pressure of school, made me need to grip to anything to regain control, to keep afloat, and of course, one of those things was eating, or lack thereof. I had been sleeping less, and to combat that I had taken a liking to caffeine.  
Every Tuesday morning I had a double free period, so I would walk down to the nearest coffee shop and get a mocha coffee with four sugars in it (as I was still getting used to the revolting taste of coffee itself). It turns out, however, that the mix of high amounts of sugar and caffeine only intensified my naturally high anxiety, and left me shaking and nauseous for the rest of the day. I didn't mind though, the nausea both made me want food even less while also fuelling my self-destructiveness. So i bought coffee every Tuesday for the rest of the year. Of course, my friends were worried, seeing me lying on the common room sofa for an hour afterwords white as a sheet, but I had told them it was fine, that I was fine, and they didn't press it further.  
It's not like there was any physical change due to my eating habits. I wasn't malnourished, somehow, I wasn't underweight (i was keeping track of my weight very closely), so therefore there was nothing wrong. I was aiming to study psychology at university, so I knew all about eating disorders and their symptoms, and I knew I didn't fit any of the criteria.

**Anorexia Nervosa:**  
\- "Restriction of energy intake relative to requirements leading to a low body weight. "  
\--> As I said before, I wasn't underweight. Sure, I missed out on breakfast and lunch, but I still ate dinner, so it was totally fine, the calories cancelled out. My family eat together anyway, so I couldn't exactly miss out without them knowing.  
\- "Intense fear of gaining weight or persistent behaviours that interfere with gaining weight."  
\--> This one is pretty easy to prove false, as the only reason I ate as little as I did was because I didn't like the taste of the food, and after a while it became a habit not to eat. Sure, I worried about getting fat, but so does every teenaged girl, it's relatively normal. And even if I was scared of gaining weight (which I very much wasn't) then I still wasn't really "actively" trying to lose weight, so I'm still in the clear.  
\- "Disturbance in the way a person's weight or body shape is experienced or a lack of recognition about the risks of the low body weight. "  
\--> I had already explained that I have never been underweight, and that I watched my weight very carefully, so this is not a problem.

**Bulimia Nervosa:**  
\- "eating very large amounts of food in a short time, often in an out-of-control way – binge eating."  
\--> Although when I came home from school I would usually eat unhealthily such as an entire Pringles can or box of chocolates, I doubt that would count as binge eating, as it was caused by my lack of eating throughout the day - not because of an urge to overeat.  
\- "making yourself vomit, using laxatives, or doing an extreme amount of exercise after a binge to avoid putting on weight – purging"  
\--> This definitely didn't apply to me - I had at one point tried to make myself throw up after eating, I'll admit that, but I had little success and haven't attempted it since. The idea of using laxatives was disgusting to me, so you can score that out. Also, if you think I'd ever willingly do exercise, you're wrong. 

**Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder:**  
"Disturbance in eating or feeding, as evidenced by one or more of:  
\- Substantial weight loss (or, in children, absence of expected weight gain)  
\- Nutritional deficiency  
\- Dependence on a feeding tube or dietary supplements  
\- Significant psychosocial interference"  
\--> None of these apply to me, and I've stated earlier that I am physically totally healthy.  
"Subcategories for ARFID:  
\- Sensory-based avoidance, where the individual refuses food intake based on smell, texture, colour, brand, presentation  
\- A lack of interest in consuming the food, or tolerating it nearby  
\- Food being associated with fear-evoking stimuli that have developed through a learned history "  
I can admit that the sensory-based avoidance applied when I was younger, although not so much now, so I can assume I'd be in the clear for that one. "lack of interest in consuming food" is interesting, it does seem to fit me more than I'd like to admit, but I still don't believe I fit enough of the other criteria for it to matter much either way. The last one is not applicable to my situation either.

So, as you can clearly see, I did and do not fit any of the above eating disorder symptoms, I can acknowledge that I'm a little on the anxious side, and am occasionally prone to feeling depressed once in a while, but in terms of eating, I'd say I'm in the clear. I did for a short time also go see a therapist for an unrelated issue, but I neglected to mention my eating habits, as when I was seeing her I did not think it was anything bad enough to mention. In fact, the only reason I'm even writing this now is because a couple of my friends (one of them being Jane, in fact) voiced their worries to me, so I'm writing this to convince, if not them, then me and anyone else who chooses to read this that I am completely find in this aspect, thank you very much.


End file.
